One Leg Too Few
- Peter
- Miss Rigby! Stella, my love! Would you please send in the next
auditioner, please. Mr. Spiggott, I believe it is. (enter Dudley, hopping
on one leg)
- Peter
- Mr. Spiggott, I believe?
- Dudley
- Yes, Spiggott by name, Spiggott by nature. (keeps hopping)
- Peter
- Yes...if you'd like to remain motionless for a moment, Mr. Spiggott.
Please be stood. Now, Mr. Spiggott you are, I believe, auditioning for the
part of Tarzan?
- Dudley
- Right.
- Peter
- Now, Mr. Spiggott, I couldn't help noticing almost at once that you are
a one-legged person.
- Dudley
- You noticed that?
- Peter
- I noticed that, Mr. Spiggott. When you have been in the business as
long as I have you come to notice these things almost instinctively. Now,
Mr. Spiggott, you, a one-legged man, are applying for the role of Tarzan -
a role which, traditionally, involves the use of a two-legged actor.
- Dudley
- Correct.
- Peter
- And yet you, a unidexter, are applying for the role.
- Dudley
- Right.
- Peter
- A role for which two legs would seem to be the minimum requirement.
- Dudley
- Very true.
- Peter
- Well, Mr. Spiggott, need I point out to you where your deficiency lies
as regards landing the role?
- Dudley
- Yes, I think you ought to.
- Peter
- Need I say without overmuch emphasis that it is in the leg division
that you are deficient.
- Dudley
- The leg division?
- Peter
- Yes, the leg division, Mr. Spiggott. You are deficient in it to the
tune of one. Your right leg I like. I like your right leg. A lovely leg
for the role. That's what I said when I saw you come in. I said "A
lovely leg for the role." I've got nothing against your right leg.
The trouble is - neither have you. You fall down on your left.
- Dudley
- You mean it's inadequate?
- Peter
- Yes, it's inadequate, Mr. Spiggott. And, to my mind, the British public
is not ready for the sight of a one-legged apeman swinging through the
jungly tendrils.
- Dudley
- I see.
- Peter
- However, don't despair. After all, you score over a man with no legs
at all. Should a legless man come in here demanding the role, I should
have no hesitation in saying "Get out. Run away."
- Dudley
- So there's still a chance?
- Peter
- There is still a very good chance. If we get no two-legged actors in
here within the next two months, there is still a very good chance that
you'll land this vital role. Failing two-legged actors, you, a unidexter,
are just the sort of person we shall be attempting to contact
telephonically.
- Dudley
- Well...thank you very much.
- Peter
- So my advice is, to hop on a bus, go home, and sit by your telephone
in the hope that we will be getting in touch with you. (shows Dudley out)
I'm sorry I can't be more definite, but as you realise, it's really a
two-legged man we're after. Good morning Mr. Spiggott.